F Our Friendship
by Deshoulieres
Summary: In which Remus and Sirius avoid their feelings for years, and eventually it all catches up to them.


**Third Year **

Sirius's skin thrummed and his breath came in short gasps as he stayed pressed against the back of the broom cupboard. James was listening at the door for Filch, Peter smooshed behind him, and Remus back-to-back with Peter, facing Sirius. His hands kept him upright, balancing against the back wall on either side of Sirius' waist.

Sirius let out a breath of laughter to ease the tension and Remus smiled gratefully at him. His body, though, had no concern for social niceties and had decided to act of its own free will.

Remus shifted forward as Peter knocked against his back, and they both realized with silent intakes of air that the other boy was having the same reaction. Sirius gulped and fixed his eyes on the ceiling, breathing shakily through his nose.

James whispered from the door, "Sorry mates, we should wait a minute longer."

"It's alright," Remus whispered back, almost directly into Sirius' ear.

Sirius closed his eyes, lips now parted, and leaned his head slightly toward his friend.

Remus felt their temples meet and turn his head to breathe shakily against the area where Sirius' jaw met his neck.

_Oh_ _god, _Sirius thought, their feather-light touches nearly sending him into a frenzy.

Remus seemed to come to his senses though and pulled back in a snap. Peter whispered "_Hey!_" at him over his shoulder, but Remus paid him no mind and locked eyes with Sirius.

"No," he mouthed silently and gave a pointed glance sideways to indicate the other two. The message was clear—they couldn't do this. It could make things awkward. Shut it down.

Sirius drew in a long slow breath and let it out, nodding his head in agreement.

* * *

**Fifth Year**

"It's fine," Remus got out through a clenched jaw, avoiding eye contact.

Sirius blinked.

"It… is?" he said cautiously.

"Well, Snape's been sworn to secrecy, right?" Remus bit out.

Sirius blinked, a frown forming between in eyebrows, and stared down at the other boy in the hospital bed.

"Yes, but… I'm not sure, I just thought you'd be more upset."

"I'm not—," Remus cut in, but then seemed to stop himself. "It's not that I'm _not_ upset, but it'll be fine. I know what you're like… I've always known what you're like," he finished in a whisper.

Sirius didn't get it.

"I don't understand you," he accused. "Tell me, how is it that we were supposed to feel _so ashamed_ about doing that to the girls' Prefect bathroom last week, but _this_—"

"You should've felt ashamed, you were both being complete wankers," Remus seethed. "But that wasn't something could—."

He stopped short abruptly and stared down at his hands.

"I don't want anything to happen… with our friendship. I don't want anything to change," he said finally.

Sirius stared at him with the same hardened brow until the silence had stretched a whole minute and Remus finally lifted his eyes to meet his.

"Alright," Sirius whispered.

* * *

**Seventh Year**

Sirius stepped gingerly over the unwrapped Christmas presents littering the floor and headed into the Potters' kitchen through the side hallway for more eggnog.

"Oi!" he laughed as he nearly knocked into Remus in the doorway. Remus laughed too and bounced backward on his heels a bit too quickly, sloshing some of his own eggnog on his shirt.

"Ah sorry mate, hold on," Sirius grinned and fumbled drunkenly for his wand.

"No!" Remus laughed, "You'll kill me."

"I'm not _that_ drunk."

"Alright…" Remus said airily, voice dripping with skepticism. "I'll just get a towel from the linen closet."

Sirius had finished filling his cup and was leaning back against the counter when Remus returned with a hand towel, and paused in front of him.

Sirius grinned in confusion as Remus regarded him with amusement.

"What is it?" he asked, but Remus was already leaning in and pressed his lips against Sirius'.

Sirius felt a jolt go through him and made an "_mmph!_" sound before sliding a hand into the hair at the nape of Remus' neck to pull him in deeper.

Remus made a noise as well, but Sirius misinterpreted it, deepening the kiss further and employing the best of his accumulated education from snogging half the girls in their year. Moony tasted like chocolate cake and rum, and as he sucked on Remus' lower lip, his nerves lit on fire at the rough texture of the other boys chapped lips. But after a second more he realized Remus' hands on his chest were _pushing_ him away. The suction of their kiss broke abruptly and Sirius pulled back.

"Wha-?" he whispered, and Remus covered his own mouth with the back of his fist, pointing to the ceiling with his other.

Sirius looked up and saw a small bundle of mistletoe above him.

"I'm sorry," Remus breathed. "I just thought it would be funny… I didn't think—."

"Oh, no it's—," Sirius interjected, catching on quickly. "I was… yeah I didn't realize—."

His heart was pounding like he'd just ran a marathon. Remus didn't seem able to move away, and Sirius noticed he still had the back of his slackened fingers pressed gently to his lips, but hadn't actually wiped his mouth off.

"Sirius," Remus slurred, blinking several times consecutively. "It's not that I haven't… you know, noticed things."

Sirius knew exactly what he was referring to. He wasn't stupid. They'd had something, something ineffable and magnetic, but never acknowledged, for years now.

"It's just… the group," Remus finished.

Sirius nodded.

"I know, I understand," he breathed.

There was a moment of silence as they contemplated each other and the tune of Elvis' _Blue Christmas_ wafted in from the family room.

Remus was the first to step away and Sirius turned back around to the counter, reaching for a bottle of scotch and throwing one back before leaving the room with his eggnog.

* * *

**James & Lily's Wedding**

"_Oh_," Remus moaned, grinding his hips into Sirius' as the black-haired boy latched an open-mouthed kiss on his neck.

"Off," Sirius moaned, yanking at Remus' groomsman robes, and Remus' fingers fumbled at the buttons of his, ripping off the best man boutonnière on the way.

Sirius wasn't sure if his front door had closed properly, but he backed them further into his flat and practically threw Remus down on his bed. He heard his wand clatter on the floorboards as it fell from his pocket, and he reached back for it before casting a spell on both of them that whisked off the rest of their clothes.

Remus pulled him down by the neck and went at his mouth again as Sirius lowered himself, lining up their bodies and thrusting their hips together.

"Fuck, _fuck_," Remus gulped, spreading his legs and reaching down to grip Sirius' buttocks to guide him hard as Sirius went at his neck again.

"Oh god, I'm gonna come Moony," Sirius moaned.

Remus slid his hands down and reached between them, grasping Sirius' leaking cock and stroking him hard, twisting at the head. Sirius raised up a few inches before reaching down to do the same to Remus.

Sirius raked his eyes over Remus' scarred chest, a body that he'd seen countless times after transformations, but never like this—never with his nipples so pink and erect, his cock hard and wet, his chest shiny with perspiration. He leaned down to lick a drop of sweat from Remus' clavicle, breathing in his scent and savoring his taste.

"Sirius I'm gonna…" Remus whimpered, and Sirius ground his hips forward into Remus' grip as the other boys' hand had slowed in concentration, mouth parted and stomach muscles spasming as he spilled all over his stomach and Sirius' fist. Sirius broke at the sound of Remus' moan, and felt his toes curl as his own orgasm peaked and his come spilled on top of Remus'.

Collapsing his weight on the smaller boy with his head resting on his scarred chest, he drifted into sleep, feeling Remus' fingerpads dragging softly through his hair.

Ω

"Just _five minutes_, I can make us tea," Sirius pleaded, but Remus shook his head at the fourth desperate offer, avoiding eye contact as he laced up his shoes.

"Well… well…," Sirius was casting around his mind hopelessly for another way to stall him, dragged his hand through his hair and remembering with a jolt how it felt to have Remus do the same.

"I'll just see you at the Order meeting tomorrow," Remus said with an air of farewell, eyes scanning the floor for anything left as he turned toward the door.

"Wait! _Please_, Remus, just—," Sirius had grabbed for his forearm and pulled him back, but Remus had had enough.

"_No_, Sirius. We can't," he said, using his other hand to push him off.

"_Why_ not?" Sirius demanding fiercely, embarrassed to hear his voice crack slightly.

Remus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before rubbing his face into his knuckles with frustration.

"Because… because who's to say we'd even work out?" he lamented. "Name _one_ shag you've had where it hasn't ended bitterly and you hate each other?"

Sirius opened his mouth and shut it. It was true—half the girls at the wedding had been glaring daggers at him all night.

Remus sighed and walked to sit down next to him on the bed.

"I don't have the luxury of finding an infinite number of new friends, who'll just accept me for who I am," he whispered.

Sirius leaned in and kissed him tenderly on the lips.

"I'd never leave you, Moony," he whispered back.

Remus shook his head.

"You don't _know_ that. We're _nineteen_—. "

"So are James and Lily."

Remus snorted. "Yeah, but she's pregnant, so," he broke off as Sirius descended into quiet laughter too.

Remus thought hard for a moment before standing up and letting go of Sirius' hand.

"I've made up my mind," he said, and Sirius just stared at him. "I'm sorry, but I can't jeopardize our friendship, Pads. Please understand."

Sirius took a moment, but gave him a small smile.

"I always have."

* * *

**June 1995**

Remus finished pulling a fitted sheet over the sofa cushions and looked up as Sirius entered the room, freshly showered.

"We have to do something about that hair," he said.

Sirius laughed and tugged on a strand.

"You don't like it?"

"Well, maybe if you kept the knots out of it," Remus said and gestured to the kitchen table. "Go on, I'll get the scissors."

Sirius sat at the table where Remus had laid out a plate of food, and looked around at the scarce flat that Moony called home as he ate. The sun came in from a large window in the living room and cast a warm light on the fraying furniture, rickety wooden desk, and stacks of books laying in small piles (probably because they were too numerous and Remus didn't have the money to buy a bookshelf big enough to fit them all).

He watched Remus flit in and out of the room, putting laundry and groceries in their place, switch the radio on to listen to a program, and when Sirius had finished his food, came in with a comb and silver shears.

"Not too short," he said quickly.

Remus made a skeptical face.

"At least to your shoulders?"

"Alright," Sirius gave in, and relished the feel of Remus' hands for the next thirty minutes as he chased the path of the comb with his fingers and snipped at the ends of his locks.

When Remus was getting close to done and trying to find the correct placement to part his hair, his hands smoothed repeatedly over Sirius scalp.

Sirius closed his eyes, and without helping it, leaned into the touch.

Remus slowed his hands and cleared his throat, softly tucking some strands behind Sirius' ear.

"Padfoot," he whispered.

Sirius turned to look at him, but Remus had joined him at his side and knelt down to his eye level.

"Remus," he whispered, brow scrunching up with emotion as he searched Moonys eyes desperately, and his breath hitched when the other man leaned in to capture his lips.

A sob wracked through him and he clutched at Remus' face, deepening the kiss with abandon.

Remus, always the steady hand in a storm, took control back and guided them out of it, but not in a way that signaled rejection. Sirius ducked back in for two more lingering kisses before allowing their foreheads to rest against each other, fingers stroking through hair and down necks, breath unsteady.

Sirius felt like crying.

"Our friendship?" he whispered bitterly.

Remus tilted his head and sighed.

He smoothed his thumbpad across Sirius' cheekbone and kissed a soft trail from the edge of his mouth to his ear, the other arm winding its way under Sirius' arm to pull his body in close.

"Fuck our friendship," he whispered back.

* * *

AAaaaaaaaaand then what had happened was: no one died (except Voldy, spontaneously), Tonks fucked off, and they all lived happily ever after the end. :)


End file.
